I was recently asked by a fellow member of Healers for Obama what my definition of “healing” is. Up until that point, I hadn’t realized that I even had a definition of “healing,” but out of my mouth popped, “healing is an ongoing process of investigation, discovery, identification, understanding, acknowledgement, and release of that which no longer serves you.”
What I was describing was the process my energy work clients go through and so it is, by its nature, a more metaphysical than physical process. However, I believe these steps in the journey can also be applied to HIV or any other disease that is physical in nature.
Is it possible to go through a process of healing to a destination of wellness? I believe it is. One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned from working with HIV-positive people is that many of them, I might even say most of them, recognize in ways they never did before, that they have choices and those choices are going to affect not just how long they live, but how well they live.
I believe the first choice you must make is to forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive the one who passed the HIV on to you, and forgive your body for not being able to fend it off. No, it’s not fair. Maybe you are one of the ones who always did everything “right” except for that one night. Or maybe you’re one who knew from day one that it was only a matter of time before your choices caught up with you. No matter who you were or what you did before, you are in NOW now. Know that the page has turned. Know that you are now writing a new story, and you and only you are responsible for the way it unfolds.
Investigate—find a doctor you trust, who will listen and explain; find support with family and friends; find out the facts of this enemy within by reading, researching, taking classes; find the treatments that not only raise your T-cell count and lower your viral load, but which also empower you to bond with your body, to become allies, to hear your body’s voice and learn his or her signals.
Discover—what makes you feel good. Maybe it will be sleeping more or exercising more, making consciously good choices in the food you eat, drinking plenty of water, not coffee or Coke. Maybe you finally have a good enough reason to quit smoking. Sex will be another country now—be conscious of the choices you make. No, that doesn’t mean you have to give up the dark corners of the bathhouse, but it does mean you have to play smart now and perhaps you’ll have to use a bit of creativity to keep the fun to the max. Maybe it means that you’re in a space now to consider a “real” relationship, committing to the person you’ve been living with or thinking more long term than instant gratification.
Identify—Know, without doubt, what your goals are, what your hopes are, what you want, and what you need. Know also what you will no longer accept in your life. Identify not just who you’ve been and what you’ve done, but who you want to be and what you want to do. See the big picture first and then concentrate on the details.
Understand—What brought you to this point? What is the lesson? As horribly frightening and daunting as the world of HIV is, strive to understand what it is teaching you. I believe that every experience we live through, no matter how ugly or painful, brings us something we can use.
Understand what that is and perhaps the way will be easier.
Acknowledge—This didn’t happen to you—it happened because of you. If you think of yourself as a victim, this disease will always have your power. Acknowledge your responsibility, not just in the choices or circumstances that opened you up to infection, but in how you proceed from here. If you put yourself in abusive relationships or dangerous situations, understand that you have the right and the power to choose differently, to leave, to call for help. If you are waiting for someone else to “save” you, know that you are missing the chance to save yourself. Take your power back from whatever, whoever you’ve been giving it to and acknowledge that this is your life and you are in charge.
And finally, Release. Say it out loud if that helps. Release the anger, the fear, the pain, the nausea, the skin rash, the diarrhea, the frustration, the longing for life before HIV. Release it and move on. Embrace what lies ahead.
My definition of “wellness?” Being able physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to live this life to the fullest, whatever that may mean for you, to honor the lessons and find the joys. We tend to focus on the physical in this world, but remember that physical health is only one layer of all the “healths” you have available to you. Breathe deep, smile wide, live long.
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