Michael Payne—Saved by the Art

A rediscovered talent changes one man's life
by Michael Payne

When I heard about the bookbinding workshop here at TPAN, I thought it was about writing mini-diaries, but it ended up being much more.

I suffered from lipoatrophy [facial wasting] for years. We gay men are very concerned about our appearance and I was very depressed. I was seeing a shrink when we did the bookbinding workshop.

When I did the book, I didn’t expect people to react to my art the way they did. It was more then a therapeutic stress reliever. The whole experience for me was divine intervention. It was like God saying, “Look, you have talents you could be using. Stop focusing on that [problem] and focus on your gifts and everything else that you’re blessed with.”

It got me thinking about art and doing something with it.

Jesús [Macarena-Avila, the instructor] had asked us to collect photography or pictures from magazines that reflected something about who we are. Then we were to merge pictures into this little book that we made.

I have hundreds of sketches and paintings just sitting in my closet collecting dust. I also keep a diary of what I call profound thoughts, constructed while daydreaming. I pulled some thoughts from my diary that seemed to connect as a caption to my drawings, then I incorporated them together. The question was how to do this without destroying the original artwork.

Jesús came up with a great idea. Why not Xerox the artwork, then condense the copies so they could fit into the small books? The results even amazed me.

I don’t have time to focus on the lipoatrophy any more. I’ve been pulling out my art little by little and as I can afford it, I’ve been framing it. I’m on a fixed income and it may take a year, it may take a couple of years, but my goal is to get all of it framed. It’s become like a child to me. Maybe a hundred years from now, it can be a part of me that survives.

I realize, wow—I really like what I did; it’s really good. I just didn’t have the self-confidence to pursue it more. This has made me re-evaluate my whole life. It’s like when I was first diagnosed, in 1995, and I thought it was the end of the world. I was told I had three years to live, and was very depressed.

I have an upcoming consultation on surgery for my lipoatrophy, but I don’t care what I look like any more. I don’t want to focus on that. I’m too busy trying to accomplish things now.

Art feeds the soul: Bookmaking with TPAN
by Jesús Macarena-Avila

Last October of 2007, I had the pleasure of working with Brothers United in Support (BUS) at Test Positive Aware Network (TPAN). It is often believed that creativity feeds the soul, but I believe it builds community as well.

I led four art workshops with BUS. I had entitled this project “Let Us Talk: Pictures and Stories” to explore personal histories of BUS members through making their own “one-of-a-kind” books. We learned professional bookmaking skills and discovered what an “artist book” is. It looks like a book, but we use a codex or accordion-like book format; each book had an original idea by a BUS member using drawn images and pictures to tell their stories. We were able to exhibit several copies at a branch of the Chicago Public Library.

In each session BUS learned and used different art techniques such as beadwork, collage, drawing, and of course, creating their very own book. During the workshops, we discussed how art or the human expression can sometimes give us strength, or at least an outlet to relieve stress. We also had some “show and tell” sessions for budding artistic inspiration.

At the last session, BUS members held their monthly social event and shared completed books talking about their life. Memory played a big role in their stories. Some used actual pictures of their family and friends and others used original poetry. Maya Angelou once wrote, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

Jesús Macarena-Avila is an arts educator working with Chicago’s communities since the early 1990’s. He is a faculty member with Columbia College Chicago’s Liberal Education Department and exhibits his community-based and studio artwork in the city of Chicago and abroad.

BUS is a TPAN support group for HIV-positive gay and bisexual men of African descent. BUS meets every Thursday at 7:30 p.m.

Special thanks to the Critical Encounters program of the Center for Teaching Excellence at Columbia College Chicago for funding the “Let Us Talk: Pictures and Stories” workshop at TPAN.

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