Many of us living with HIV view HIV through the lens of infection, disease, stigma, shame and death. We may also view aging through the lens of unwanted changes, breaking down, fragility, loss and death. While these are valid, for today (and moving forward) I would like to share another way to look at HIV and aging: HIV as an opportunity, and aging as a celebration.
HIV as an opportunity is an appropriate time to look at our physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and sexual health. Consider this: for those of us who learned that HIV has come to live with us, how many of us took that news to assess and try out different ways of taking care of ourselves? How many of us:
- Went to the doctor more often?
- Accessed social services?
- Started exercising and eating healthier?
- Went to therapy?
- Changed careers? Took up a new hobby?
- Went to church? Started meditating?
HIV is an opportunity to favorably (re)consider how we approach sex and relationships. If we take HIV seriously, then this means we must talk about it. We must have conversations about HIV status. We must think about the kind of sex and the type of sex we want to have, as well as with whom and how many "with whoms" we want to enjoy sex with. Through this lens, HIV becomes not a source of shame or fear, but a reason for us to finally empower ourselves to really enjoy (or be “in joy”) with the sex and pleasure that we want to have.
HIV is an opportunity to set the tone for how we want to set public health policies, programs and initiatives. Here's an example: my partner and I spent a weekend with my family, which is when he met my sister. My sister and I have been involved in HIV prevention and public health for a long time. She reminded us how much of a new frontier aging with HIV is, both professionally and personally. That means that I and others like me get to set the tone for policies and guidelines. We are the ones who know about aging with HIV firsthand. We are the subject-matter experts, because our experience matters.
...HIV becomes not a source of shame or fear, but a reason for us to finally empower ourselves to really enjoy (or be “in joy”) with the sex and pleasure that we want to have.
Regarding aging as a celebration, this means that I will make it known publicly that I am over 50 years old and a veteran of HIV prevention for almost 40 years. HIV has been living with me for over twenty years, and I am a survivor of two heart attacks, sexual molestation and a cancer scare, who is thriving today.
Aging as a celebration means that our discussions about aging with HIV will not be filled with doom and gloom, but with hope and joy. This doesn’t mean that we won’t address the serious aspects of aging with HIV and give them the weight they deserve. But I also have no desire to stay depressed and powerless when it comes to facing those challenges. I’m done with the “trauma porn” when it comes to my life, particularly as a Black gay/queer man who has HIV. By that I mean that I’m tired of people asking me to share “my story” …and by “my story,” they mean the parts of my life that are painful, challenging and sad, for their own enjoyment. These are the parts (sometimes) that people who aren’t living with HIV, people who are white and people who are heterosexual, seem to connect with the most. But like Mary J. Blige said, “I’ve done enough crying.” My story of aging with HIV includes my first-ever plenary speech at a conference, becoming an American Leatherman titleholder, launching two podcasts and finding the man of my dreams—all in my 50s. Why don’t we tell more of these stories of older people who are HIV positive?
Finally, aging as a celebration means that we freely and unabashedly give praise and support to those who have HIV and are Aging. Reach out to someone and ask them to share their story. This begins the process of connection that is so vital for our wellbeing and end the isolation that hurts so many of us.
Rodney McCoy is a Black gay/queer man, and it just so happens that HIV lives with him. He has been involved with HIV prevention for nearly 40 years in many capacities and is currently an independent consultant. He is also a CDC Social Media Influencer; find out more at #LetsStopHIVTogether.